Dude, 2009, where'd you go?

Don't get me wrong: I was an idiot all through 2009.  I just must have been distracted during the entire year.  So here it is 2010, and I miss this blog.

There's a girl from Puerto Rico here in the lower-48 states for a while.  She wanted to know what it meant to use the word "dude" in a greeting.  "Hey, dude."  She said she was taken aback when a boy-of-interest used it with her.  She thought, "dude?  I'm not a dude..."  So I take a step back and think... what does dude really mean?  So I start with...

"well... literally, the word dude is another name for a cowboy.  Like Dude Ranch.  But that's not typical."

Then she interjected "so, you can say Hi Cowboy?"

Um.... no...  no... Don't do that.  unless you say *get the sexy voice going* "how ya doing, cowboy?..."

I receive a quizzical look from the Puerto Rican.

"But... that would mean you think he's wild... no...  So... dude is more like a California surfer kind of phrase... like you're high... or you wish you were high... or you're trying really hard to be cool... or... or you're just from California and you don't have to be a surfer...."

She asks "so, is it a good thing?"

I don't know... maybe not?  If a guy of interest said "hey dude" to me, my spirits would sink...

Who knew that "dude" was such a complicated word?

Have Egg on One's Face

"Yea, you'll have egg on your face."
?????
Since I've not had eggs today, I can only assume he is yet again shoving it in my face that I'm an idiot.

I look up "have an egg...." and it did not appear in my dictionary! HA HA! Another made-up phrase. But wait, that's not the correct wording. Scratch the "an". *gah*

From Spear's Dictionary:
Egg on one's face:
Fig:To be embarrassed by something on has done. (As if one went out in public with a dirty face.)

I was completely wrong, and now I have egg on my face.

She's really got egg on her face!

So... this reminds me of "Something About Mary" and the "hair gel"... maybe like that...

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have egg on one's face

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: no. Egg?
Able to be understood once explained?: yes, but why egg? is it really that messy? It'd be more understandable to have something black between your teeth. or chocolate on the face.

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Yours truly,
One who doesn't understand the true mess of egg

Nickel Tour

The auditor asked for a "nickel tour" of the place. Context clues told me, if it was a two-day audit, he probably wanted a quick tour of the floor.

Turns out, I was right.



I'd probably be bad at dealing with auditors if they use idioms. "I'm sorry, what does that mean? I swear I speak English as a first language... I'm just sheltered..."

My dictionary doesn't have this one either...

If someone gives you a nickel tour, they show you around a place. ('Fifty-cent tour' is also used.)

- http://www.usingenglish.com/reference/idioms/nickel+tour.html

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Nickel Tour

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: yes
Able to be understood once explained?: yes

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Fifty cent tour... haha. It's impossible for me to say that without turning it into "fiddy cen". Oh, pop culture! How influential you are.

Yours truly,
A sheltered American

The fish rots from the head first

A woman was approaching an issue at work with our boss. She was demanding support from her managment for herself, for the technicians, and for the validity of their test methods. She was visibly upset. "Ya know, the fish rots from the head first...."

WOAH. An awkward giggle game from one of my co-workers. Everyone else hushed. Are you supposed to tell your boss that?

(what does that even mean?)

It's not in my fabulous dictionary! So I go online. This phrase is used in business and politics a lot. It's not succinctly defined. So let me take you through the thought...

The head = management / head(s) of government
How management/government acts reflects upon those they manage/govern.
Usually this term is used with a negative connotation (so it seems)
So if management/government is corrupt/not doing an ideal job, it will reflect poorly on the rest of the company.

Thus, a business will crumble from the top down, the head first.

Apparently there's a book about it

See what Wickipeida has to say about the phrase: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_of_the_Leader

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The Fish Rots from the Head (First)

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: yes
Able to be understood once explained?: yes

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See? I'm catchin' on,
An ever-improving American

The Check is in the Mail

I was raising money for the American Heart Association.

Who better to call for money than your parents, eh? Mom said "sure."

I gave myself two days to do the fundraising, so on the last day, the money was due. I emailed Mom:
"hey, how much were you going to give? The money is due today, so I'll just pay for you for now."
an hour later: "How about 25 bucks?"
30 mins later: "Sure."
an hour later: "The check's in the mail."

Good deal.

Then I though, oh damn. They probably made the check out to the American Heart Association, and not to me... Oh well, that's double the money for AHA, I guess.

Later, we found out our company didn't raise nearly enough money. So we decided to have another fund raiser sometime in the future. I call home and this time Dad answers. I tell Dad "thanks for your donation. We didn't make enough, so I'll put the check mom sent towards the new fund raiser we're doing."

Dad kinda chuckled. "I'm not really sure Mom sent you the check yet..."
"Well, she told me she did... she said she did."
"Yea.. well I think Mom meant that she would send it soon..."
"What? Why would she tell me she sent it when she hasn't?"
"Well, how about I transfer $40 bucks to your account? $25 for the first one, and the rest for the second one? Will that be okay?"
"...Sure."

Either Dad's confused or Mom's a liar. Humph.

The next day, I get an email from Mom:

The Check is in the Mail...

Is an idiom that means I will pay you later.
I laughed so hard at your sweetness.
However, it made you another $15.00, so it was profitable.

You need a book of idioms! J

Whhaaaat? My own mother is in on the secret language too!?
Am I an idiot?
But this idiom can be taken literally and it still makes sense!
WHAT A DANGEROUS IDIOM!
Oh, and I know Mom knows I have the dictionary... I'm thinking J means Joking.

Oh ya, and, Mom,
this one is NOT listed in my dictionary of idioms (thank you very much).
so HA.

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The Check is in the Mail

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: umm... when you're actually expecting a check, no, it does NOT make sense!
Able to be understood once explained?: I suppose

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I'm not even sure this proves I'm an idiot; I think this is a bad context for this idiom.

I'm not quite sure I'm the idiot in this one,
One who takes things at face value

Monday Morning Quarterback

"Eh don't worry about him. He's just a Monday morning quarterback."

*GOD it's getting old how often I'm saying this*
"... uuuh I don't know what that means..."

"it's just that... he wants to be one of us, but he's not qualified. So he'll tell you stuff, and just ignore him."

Okay. But I have a feeling that's not what Monday morning quarterback means. So I look it up in my special dictionary. GASP. It's not there. WHAT DO I DO!? So I try to reason it out.

I think there's Sunday football. Or is it Monday night football. Let's just say Sunday. So...maybe the Monday morning quarterback is the shmuck who's ready to play RIGHT when your team already played --- like he's too enthusiastic. "Cooooool it, kid. Take a break."

Or maybe... if they play Monday night, then the guy is there too early... so he's still a schmuck... "Coool it kid. Rest up."

So... Schmuck? Over-enthusiastic? That's what I figure.

I ask my resource, Justin.

"Well... they play football on Sundays...right?" Okay. Got it. "... So everyone always thinks they can play the game better the day after everything happens. He shoulda done this, shoulda done that. But it's the day after...so who cares. Hindsight is 20/20. It's a lot more difficult to make the right plays as it's happening."

Oh.

Okay that makes sense. Damn the Monday morning quaterbacks. But, we're all guilty of it. Lesson: don't shoulda-woulda-coulda. Say "well, this has been a learning experience for me.. maybe next time we should do *this*...." Maybe write it in a book so the next person knows...

It's all about preventing things from happening next time ... don't focus on the shoulda-woulda-couldas.

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Monday Morning Quarterback

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: Not if you don't know football
Able to be understood once explained?: Yes

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You live, you learn.

Yours preposterously,
An under-read American

Dog and Pony Show

I was in a meeting with my boss. We were talking about my direction in the company. I was sitting there 2 feet across from him at a small circular table, looking at him in the eye, reacting to his words. I also had a blank sheet on the table - clearly visible to him. The sheet was for writing down follow-ups... but I had no need for notes...

...Not until he said,
"basically, this is a dog and pony show..."

I nodded and smirked as if I knew what he meant... but on the inside I froze. "Not another one of these damned phrases!" At the top of my piece of paper I wrote the phrase, nicely in cursive to remind myself of this personal follow up to define the mysterious phrase.

I'm not quite sure of his reaction, but if it had been confusion and alarm that his employee might be incompetent, I wouldn't have been surprised. I would have thought the same thing if I had been talking for 30 minutes, and that was only thing written on top of the paper.

I completed my follow up a week later when I re-discovered my piece of paper.

Spears's Definition:
Dog and Pony Show
Fig. a display, demonstration, or exhibition of something -- such as something on is selling (As in a circus act where trained dogs leap onto and off of trained ponies.)

Gary went into his standard dog and pony show, trying to sell us an an upgrade to our software.

Don't you get tired of running through the same old dog and pony show at every trade show?

I would like to expand on this definition... dog and pony shows are fluff - when you hype something up too much.

Another one down, how many more to go?

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Dog and Pony Show

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: Yes
Able to be understood once explained?: Yes

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Yours ignorantly,
an under-read American

That's the Pot Calling the Kettle Black

The first time I remember hearing this phrase was a few years ago. My initial thoughts to the usage of this phrase were:

Kitchen cookware doesn't talk.... uh, hellooo.
... yeah, but is he black?

How am I supposed to know what that means? So I ask. "I'm sorry, I don't know what that means." Everyone always looks at me and asks, "wait, where are you from?"

So it was explained to me, "the pot is black, and it's saying the kettle is black. But they're both black. Get it?"

What? No.

My thoughts:
Where I come from both the pot and kettle are more of a grey metal color... and they don't really talk much. Except the kettle, and it whistles a bit. Actually we have one of those electric kettles you plug into the electrical outlet and it dings when the water is boiled but we used to have a whistler. But I'll play along with this notion of old-fashioned kettles. So I'll imagine a cast-iron kettle and a cast-iron pot. Eewwwwwww who would want to cook anything in that? There'd be metal shavings all in the food!

After I casted a puzzled look, my friend (okay, it was Justin again) shouted exasperatingly "Hypocrite! It means you're a hypocrite!"

"Ohhh.... like the whole spec/plank in your eye?"

Now it was Justin who returned the puzzled look.

I continued, "yea... you know, before you mention the spec in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank from your own... No? Well...I'd rather say, 'Before I tell you this, I need to take the plank outta my eye...' It'd probably have a more comical or confusing effect than 'I'M A HYPOCRITE!'"

Justin looked at me in disbelief. "That's why you say 'That's like the pot calling the kettle black'..."

"I suppose..."

Spear's Definition:
The pot is calling the kettle black or That's the pot calling the kettle black
Prov. You should not criticize someone for a fault that you have too. (Not polite to say about the person you are addressing.)

Bill told Barbara she was sloppy, but Bill never cleans up after himself, either. That's the pot calling the kettle black.

My sister says I dress funny, but if you've seen some of the clothes she wears, you know it's a case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Okay, okay. So it had been explained. It had soaked in. I could put it into use in my everyday vocabulary.

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That's the Pot Calling the Kettle Black

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: No
Able to be understood once explained?: Yes

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Next problem:
Which one is the name-caller?
Is the kettle calling the pot black?
Kettles tend to be noisier.
Wait, no, it's the pot.

After encountering this dilemma a few times, I compromised with,

"That's the pot or the kettle calling the other one black."

People know what I'm saying even though they cock their head to one side as if to have the sentence trickle down in between the ears to have it come out translated on the other side.

Meh, it still works for me.

Awkwardly yours,
an under-read American

Read someone the riot act

Justin was going on about this group of people at work who weren't the best of performers. "Yea, my boss...read them The Riot Act."

My thoughts: *Gasp* --- Holy Moley is this serious!
There are people purposely under-performing to commit a mutiny of sorts? ...to sabotage the productivity of the company?
...what do they think they're doing!?
I didn't even know such an Act existed. Imagine the police force they had to bring in! All the cop cars, the radios bleeping, guns gleaming. This is gunna be goood.

...I really need to read up on my company & labor rights...

I waited patiently for the thrilling events of The Reading of the Riot Act. Justin read into the awkward silence of my thoughts and said, "...go look it up in that dictionary I gave you."

oh.

You see...to tackle my idiomatic ineptitude, Justin bestowed upon me a the most useful of items: a book entitled Dictionary of American Idioms and Phrasal Verbs by Richard A. Spears.

It turns out it's not "The Riot Act of [insert year here]", capitalized, proper, and intimidating; it's an uncapitalized "the riot act," which requires much less government enforcement.

From Spear's Dictionary:
To read someone the riot act:
Fig: to give someone a severe scolding.
The manager read me the riot act for coming in late.
The teacher read the students the riot act for their failure to do their assignments.

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Read the Riot Act

My Score Card for this idiom:
Able to be understood initially?: No
Able to be understood once explained?: Kind of

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A HA!
A severe reprimand
...nothing even close to mutiny.

Lesson learned.
Case closed.

Yours incompetently,
an under-read American